You probably never think about this, so allow me to ruin your day right quick. When you pee in a urinal, you’re probably spraying golden drizzle all over the immediate vicinity. There you are, standing there, handling your business, oblivious to the fact that you’re getting soaked with tiny pee particles all on your legs, hands, stomach and various other parts of your body. If there were a highly contagious viral disease that were somehow spread via human urine, the penis-havers of the world would bring a brand new meaning to the term toxic masculinity. Thankfully, scientists at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, have come up with an optimal splash reducing urinal design to flush this issue down the drain.
The scientists found that a tall, slender urinal shaped with curves that replicate a nautilus shell create a slash-free experience when going Number One. They claim this invention, dubbed the Nauti-loo, can virtually eliminate splashback while others produce up to 50 times more. Yet there are ways to reduce splashback without this funky design which, I can assure you, won’t arrive at your neighborhood bar anytime soon.
The best thing to do is to try and shorten that stream as much as you can—the longer the stream, the bigger the splashback. Yes, get closer while taking a leak. Avoiding water and aiming for surfaces is key to reducing yellow splatter. You can also try and get the rivers and the lakes that you're used to going at a 30-degree angle, but nobody has the patience or lunacy within to whip out a protractor in the restroom. At home, it’s best to probably sit down. Here’s a UV light experiment that shows pee particles jumping in almost every direction.
It might be a while before you ever see a Nauti-loo, but maybe start aiming for the front of the toilet bowl if you aren’t already. Definitely employ sitting down more too, which is also a great way to multitask with an endless scrolling on your phone. What I’m most concerned with—even more than the widespread implementation of the Nauti-loo and how folks choose to answer nature’s call—is abolishing the ice-filled trough. I’ll vote for whoever does that.
H. Drew Blackburn
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