If, as French novelist Victor Hugo wrote, forty is the “old age of youth,’ then fifty is “old age. "Not ‘very old age,’ just regular, garden-variety ‘old age.’ It is also the age I am turning today. I am not someone who dreads his birthday. I will celebrate mine like always: eating a vanilla funfetti sheet cake with family. But this particular birthday does feel momentous — more so than any I’ve had since, maybe, my 21st? I am 50 years old. I am old. Creaky. There are so many things I do not understand about life. But I also sincerely believe I have learned a few things during the last five decades that I would like to share with the internet, as is my habit. Please feel free to wish me happy birthday in the comments — even if you’re a bot.
1. No matter how old you are, it’s always a good idea to moisturize.
2. I used to think I only had two emotions: anger and pasta. As it turns out, I have all the emotions in large quantities, but I am not very good at expressing them. This takes practice, courage — and therapy — but cultivating the ability to tell your loved ones where you’re at with your feelings is worth the work.
3. One of the first people I told that I had quit drinking was my older sister, Wendy, and I was nervous to tell her because I did not want her to be disappointed in me. I did not want her to know I glued myself back together slowly, painfully. We talked on a landline — one thing that has been forgotten is how distant and intimate the human voice sounds when it travels up and down a wire. It’s like you’re talking to someone in a dark, hollow cave, and every whisper echoes. She was not disappointed. I don’t think she understood what I was going through, but she listened, and she was not afraid of the silence between us after I had told her that I was an alcoholic. In that silence, she held me. And when she spoke, it was to tell me she was proud of me and that we would see each other soon. A few months later, she would be gone. Her death was sudden, and the silence forever.
4. Shake your salad left-to-right, not up-and-down. Trust me on this.
5. Never throw the first punch. A classmate was bullying me in fourth grade, and my mom told me, “Mijo, Jesus said to turn the other cheek, but you only have two cheeks, and Jesus didn’t say ‘get your butt kicked.’” She suggested the next time my tormenter pushed me, I should push back. I did, and we’re still friends.
6. For a few years, during the Obama administration, I would appear on Fox News as a sort of liberal punching bag. I learned that most people will say anything for attention and money and I received very little attention and no money for my appearances. I also learned that there are opportunists and true believers in politics, and they're both dangerous for different reasons. The former know better, and the latter don’t. One bites you because they think they can get away with it; the other bites because they’re born that way. While on Fox, I had a grudging respect for the true believers — the fanatics — because they were just as angry and rude in the green room as they were on air. But the opportunists were all grins and laughs in the make-up chair, but once under the lights, they transformed on cue and became cruel, self-righteous, or cold-blooded if that was what was required of them.
7. The five best ways to cook eggs: poached, deviled, omelet, scrambled, over easy.
8. Buy a basic set of tools. I’m not what you’d call “handy.” In my high school shop class, I built a condemned birdhouse. But everyone needs tools: a tape measure, a good hammer, screwdrivers. A power drill is a worthwhile investment. This is me at my most practical: you’ll need pliers at some point.
9. Writing love letters is an important skill to cultivate, and I’m not referring to tossed-off texts or quickly typed-out emails. No. Pen. Paper. Cramped fingers. Do not be afraid of poetry. Do not be afraid of your golden, glowing heart. Scratch out words and sentences. Start over. Yawn and stretch. Tell them you love them plainly or with whipped cream on top. Write those words down or words like them. “I love you.” Let the paper drink the ink. Let their fingers open the letter; let their eyes read what you have written. A love letter lives whenever it is reread.
10. Listening to a favorite song is a perfect way to reboot. But you must punch the air when you listen to that favorite song. I’m not suggesting you violently throw knuckles. But bouncing up and down to a beloved tune while trying to gently fist-bump angels gets the blood moving and triggers stress-reducing brain chemicals. The music I jab to includes Abba, Elvis Costello, and Beyonce. Sometimes, I mix it up and joy box to the Moana soundtrack. Have you ever listened to Fugazi? You should.
11. You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear and rattlesnakes. Fear, rattlesnakes, and hot lava. Fear, rattlesnakes, hot lava, and ghosts ci.
12. A few years ago, I reported for jury duty and was almost immediately released by a lawyer wearing an expensive suit with golden cufflinks. The case was about a guy who got hurt in a fender bender. The lawyer asked me if I could be fair to a man who was claiming emotional distress. I responded that I could, sure, because I have a lot of feelings about all sorts of things. I am frequently distressed. I don’t know if this lawyer hated my smugness or attempt at cleverness, but he probably sized me up as a wiseass who’d be too much trouble. It’s not that I couldn’t be manipulated — I am very easily manipulated — but it would be a real jog in a swamp to do so. Before informing me that I could go, the lawyer scribbled a note on the last page of a tattered yellow legal pad with a cheap black pen that looked like it had been yanked free from its chain at a bank. Why would a lawyer who could afford an expensive suit and gold cufflinks not also be rich with legal pads and fancy writing implements? Then I realized this was a performance — he was performing. The cufflinks were a prop. His suit a costume. When he gets home, he sheds his exoskeleton and eats a bowl of Golden Grahams in his boxers. Lawyers are just actors who can pay the rent. It's too bad he couldn’t afford a Mont Blanc, though. He would have been flawless. “All the world’s a stage.” I learned that bit of Shakespeare in college. It’s one of those quotes I pull out in polite company to prove my middlebrow bona fides — all the world’s a stage, including Room 486 in the Brooklyn Courthouse.
13. I was never someone who cried at weddings until, later in life, in my middle-age, I asked a tender, funny, beautiful woman to be my wife and she said “yes,” and nine months later, in front of friends and family, we vowed to love and to forgive and to celebrate each other as best we can, even on our worst, moodiest, days, and standing there with nervous knees and sweaty fingers, I smiled and cried and I understood. Ah, yes, better late than never.
14. The coolest (and most powerful) member of the X-Men is Storm, not Wolverine nor Cyclops.
15. When a man pulls a gun on you and tells you to drop to the ground and kick off your shoes, drop to the ground and kick off your shoes and when he then asks you if you have any money, say “no,” not “no, sir,” because the “sir” will annoy him and he’ll kick you in the ribs.
16. Advice for boys: be soft and gentle and learn to pick flowers. Stop saying “mine” and start saying “ours.” Stop saying, “Well, actually,” and start saying, “What do you think?” Share your snacks and cry when you’re hurt. Be thoughtful and use all the colors in the crayon box. Hug other boys and never be afraid to say, “I’m afraid.” Bravery is being scared and doing the impossible anyway. Be masculine and feminine and both, and neither, and never apologize unless you’ve done something wrong. Don’t think “acting like a man” means anything. It doesn’t. Act like whoever it is you dream about. A cyborg ballerina. A comet-lassoing cowboy. A cat with a monocle. Be your true self, always.
17. Emotional eating is redundant. When my mood sours or soars, I like to snack. There’s nothing wrong with that. But I’ve started making snack time more intentional and reflective instead of instinctual. I eat healthy: apples, nuts, baby carrots. Sometimes, though, the only way I can get through the day is to have a chicken nugget, a six-piece, with a side of mustard. I guess what I’m trying to communicate is: balance. Life is balance.
18. What you have to understand is that in the last century, American conservatives were losing their minds over men with long hair. They believed this was a sign of the end of the republic.
19. The lottery is a tax on hope, but buying a scratch-off every so often is fun and harmless.
20. You must fight the good fight, even when you know you’ll lose. In fact, you must fight harder. The world doesn’t want to change because the world hates to sweat. To make an effort. The world likes to sit, snack, and nap. But when change happens — and it does because progress can only be hobbled — it is because love is slow and certain. Love is a geologic pressure that can split mountains. A slow, thankless, selfless action that takes more than it gives, and then one day, you’re gone. But love slogs on. And, really, by fight, I mean: if someone asks for help, you help. You pray if that’s your thing. You donate. You organize. You vote. You take good care of yourself. You march, you chant, you link arms. You listen. You stand up for those who can’t. It’s not rage that changes the world. It is patience and tears and compassion, spine and the grim acceptance that some things in this life are more important than fear. One day, maybe, far in the future, long after we’re dead, the brave will fully be counted, and we’ll all finally be home. So do unto others, my darlings. Be brave.
21. You can judge your friends by their reactions when you win.
22. I had a drug dealer, way back in the 90s, who used to make you sit and listen to his rants before he sold you weed or mushrooms or acid. I barely remember anything about him — he wanted marijuana to be legalized, which was perfectly reasonable, but he also wanted tattoos to be tax deductible. And he wanted food stamps but for guns — he was worried all the rich people would be armed, and the rest of us would be out of luck. Anyway, I remember his gross lip piercing, and one night, he shouted, “Real men clean the bong water!” And he was right about that, too. If you identify as a man, take responsibility for your actions.
23. Cigarettes are the most inexpensive and effective anti-anxiety medication you can buy without a prescription, and also they kill you in multiple gruesome ways. I have seen it up close and personal, and it is awful.
24. Do not try stand-up comedy unless you’re willing and ready to be bad at stand-up comedy for a long time.
25. Everyone needs a karaoke song they know how to sing, just in case they’re in a position where they must sing a karaoke song — mine is Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart.’
26. Compassion is love without any small print.
27. Every jukebox in every dive bar in every red state in America plays Queen, and every bigot loves them.
28. Always keep a bag of peas in the freezer for when you inevitably have back pain — apply and sigh.
29. Batman’s greatest villain is regular therapy
30. The most successful way to flirt with someone you are attracted to is to make eye contact and say something witty and effortlessly charming, like, “Hi.” Then, listen. Don’t just look like you’re listening — listen and ask questions and then step 2, which involves a walk and a slice of pizza.
31. When I feel anxious or lost, I whisper a prayer to myself. First, I inhale and exhale. Then it goes like this: “In with the light, out with the baloney.” I say it over and over again until I am grounded.
32. I knew a drunk — a fellow alcoholic — who used to try and pick a fight with someone at the bar every so often. We used to joke he was a werewolf, but he was just old and lonely and had no where to go. He’d pick someone he knew and ask, “What the fuck are you looking at” and throw a punch, but every single time, we held him back, the regulars. He trusted we’d be there whenever he’d fly off the handle. I think we were the only people he allowed himself to count on in his life. I know that sounds sad, but yeah, it was what it was. I don’t know what happened to him — I can’t imagine he’s still around.
33. When talking to the IRS on the phone, remember: The IRS does not have a sense of humor.
34. Raccoons are like little bear monkeys with tiny hands. They are one of the most amusing animals that the process of evolution has produced. Here’s my point: there are thousands of videos on YouTube of raccoons behaving like mischievous little fur goblins, and you should do yourself a favor and watch a few, especially if you’re having a crummy day. One video, in particular, shows a raccoon sneaking up on a bowl of cat food, grabbing the food in its little fingers, and then running away on its hind legs. This video, without fail, puts me in a good mood. If, for whatever reason, you don’t like trash pandas, then you’re still in luck because YouTube has videos of otters, too. Otters are love weasels.
35. You can divide people into three basic binaries: dogs or cats, beach or mountains, socks in bed, or no socks in bed.
36. The secret to successfully working at home is to always, always, wear pants. You will be tempted otherwise, but for your mental health, wear clean pants — slacks or denim—any kind except for sweatpants. Those are for when you’re off the clock.
37. I do not believe in astrology but I’m a Leo with a Cancer rising and a Gemini moon.
38. When getting laid off, wait to cry in the stairwell if you can. I understand if you get overcome with emotion, but sobbing in front of HR is a waste.
39. Vinyl sounds the way grilled hot dogs taste.
40. I once watched a scene in a movie where the main character went into his bathroom, splashed water on his face, and then stared intensely into the mirror. This is something that movie characters do all the time. It’s a trope if you will. So I tried it, and it works. Whenever I’m feeling stressed out, I take a moment, dramatically splash a little water on my face, look at myself in the mirror, and say, “You’re going to be okay, John.” This is shockingly effective. Thanks, movies!
41. One day, unfortunately, some memes will be regarded as art
42. Success is just what happens between failures. This is straight-up truth, and the sooner you understand how you cannot have one without the other, the sooner you will learn to prize the doing not the getting.
43. Squats are the most important exercise you can do at the gym
44. I had a sponsor once who never bullshit me, and there were times I wish he had. This one time, he said, “John, keep your eyes on your own paper.” In the program, they say “compare and despair,” but I liked how he said it. Anyway, keep your eyes on your own paper.
45. Shame is what a guilty person feels when they refuse or are incapable of accepting responsibility for their actions.
46. Somewhere out there in the world is a cassette mixtape that is so pure and perfectly curated — a collection of pop grunge and mopey goth rock and hard-as-fuck rock classics — that were you to push it into a tape player and listen to it, you would immediately levitate and be transformed into a wise and vulnerable 16-year-old who thinks the world is fucked up and you know what? It totally is.
47. My father, a preacher born in the South during the Great Depression, raised me to be polite. I was taught to say "yes, sir," "yes, mam," and "yes, em" if I didn't know the gender of the person I was talking to, and, of course, "thank you." . These words became reflexes. I learned how to smile when meeting someone, shake their hands, and talk about the weather. More important, my father taught me to listen. Because that’s the real secret of being polite: You say nice things because it buys you time to listen and, in turn, to think. Only assholes talk without listening and thinking first. Politeness isn't a weakness; Politeness is not a weakness—it is self-discipline. Politeness isn’t the art of avoiding conflict—it is the art of knowing when conflict is unavoidable. It is a survival strategy that demands empathy, a word often used these days without any real consideration as to what it means. I have seen two ideological gangs angrily accuse each other of lacking empathy as they jockey for dominance. It is a skill that requires imagination and humility and compassion. It teaches a simple lesson: we all suffer.
48. You can never have too many pillows. Seriously. They’re worth the money, even if one occasionally ends up on the floor. At the very least, you should have one pillow you can put between your legs.
49. A clown (an actual professional clown) once told me people only laugh when they’re scared, and I don’t know if he’s right, but maybe he is.
50. I am not a physicist. I do not understand general relativity or special relativity or quantum mechanics or any mechanics, really. I listened to a podcast once where some meathead interviewed a very smart scientist, and so I understand some concepts—simplified, of course. For instance, our brains are immensely powerful but also tiny, and the universe is wilder and bigger than our powerful, tiny brains can imagine. Time, you see, is like a coping mechanism. It’s how talking monkeys living in three dimensions deal with a multi-dimensional cosmos filled with unknowable wonders and mysteries. Time isn’t real. Time is how humans handle the unending vastness of creation, which is brain-melting stuff. Time is nonlinear. Time is soup. The beginning is the end, and vice versa. Time is a snake eating itself, a snake made of galaxies. Everything that has ever happened, everything that will ever happen is happening right now. You are young, and you are old. Your every happiness and sorrow overlap, your every past, present, and future harmonize. There is no time, no death, just an immortal present where the entire story of existence blooms, one heavenly, spinning, eternal moment. As you read these words, you are meeting everyone you’ve ever loved for the very first time.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of John DeVore's work on Medium. And order his book, Theater Kids: A True Tale of Off-Off Broadway here.
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