Congratulations! You’ve been dating a wonderful woman for some time now. You really like her! Things have been going well and you’ve become increasingly generous with her. Naturally, you pay for date nights and date days. On special occasions, your Amex does the electric slide in exchange for designer purses, shoes, clothing, and even cars or property for your beloved girlfriend. In the words of T-Pain, you’re willing to give “anything she wants for some kisses.” So you don’t hesitate to take her on trips and extended vacations. You even foot the bill for her nights out with the girls or every time she treats her mother to brunch.
She used to work when you two first got together, but now she tells you she’s taking classes online while you pay the mortgage on the condo you bought her. And that’s fine because now she has more time to spend with you, even though a lot of it is spent with her friends and family. She tells you you’re the very best boyfriend in the whole wide world because she doesn’t want to vocalize the truth: You’re actually her sugar daddy.
PRESS PLAY: Silk Sonic’s new single, ‘Smokin’ Out the Window’ is the perfect Sugar Daddy soundtrack.
I once dated a man who, for this anecdote’s purposes, we’ll call Benjamin. I had absolutely no attraction to this dude, but he wanted to get to know me. Benjamin figured a $50,000 monthly allowance would be the perfect gateway into my life. He was right.
Benjamin served as my sugar daddy for more than a decade, but the whole time I always had a boyfriend and/or husband. Still, he was happy to take whatever time I was willing to give him. Naturally, he had other relationships, too. He eventually became engaged to Luz, a beautiful swimsuit model living in Miami who was at least 20 years his junior.
Over time, my allowances shrunk below $10,000, as Benjamin spent more money on Luz. Strangely enough, she continued living on the opposite coast eight years into their relationship-turned-engagement. Still, he continued to spoil her with expensive cars, condos, clothes, purses, and shoes. He even helped her start a business.
If she’s not interested in the day-to-day activities most couples do together, like making dinner, curling up on the couch to watch TV together, or helping groom those hard-to-reach places, she doesn’t love you, dawg.
Luz would fly in a couple of days before Christmas, open her gifts on Christmas Day, and then have Benjamin drive her to the airport so she could spend the rest of the holiday with her “family.” When Benjamin had custody of his son for the summer, Luz was nowhere to be found, yet she’d magically find time to pop in for all-expenses-paid vacations. She was using him, but he was so enamored by the thought of having a young, gorgeous woman on his arm as he entered his fifties that he refused to see the truth. Instead, he began expecting me to do the things Luz wouldn’t do, like cooking, binge-watching reality TV with him, or even clipping his toenails. Yuck.
“Sir, where is your alleged fiancé?” I’d say. “Because everything you want from me is far below my station and pay grade.”
“She’s home in Miami, working,” was always his go-to defense.
“No woman who models bikinis at car shows for a living is going to give up being with her rich fiancé so she can work. You’re her sugar daddy, not her man. Mark my words, your girl is out there getting railed by rappers and ballplayers and using your money to attract the kind of man she really wants,” I assured him, which sparked an hours-long argument.
Benjamin was not ready to face reality, but it was inevitable. Three months after another one of her grab-and-dash Christmases, Luz married an NFL player after a two-year engagement. Benjamin found out on the internet that Luz had been in a whole other relationship for three of their eight years together, engaged for two years, and was now a married woman.
The flags were matador red and our boy Benny Blanco refused to take heed.
Fellas, don’t be like Benjamin. Keep an eye out for the tell-tale signs you might be a sugar daddy so that you can make an informed decision on whether that’s the life you want to lead. There’s nothing wrong with spoiling the apple of your eye. It ain’t trickin’ if you got it. And transactional relationships have their place for willing participants. However, if you’re in search of a loving, emotionally reciprocal relationship where your financial generosity isn’t a prerequisite, watch for signs that you may be getting kneaded for your dough.
- If a woman only stays long enough to accept her gifts before leaving you alone on holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions, you are not her boyfriend.
- If you’ve been dating for years but she doesn’t bother to get to know your friends and family and only shows up for fun stuff, she’s only in it for the benefits.
- If you’re engaged or married but she still doesn’t consider you “family” and leaves you alone on holidays so she can be with her biological family, you’re probably her sugar daddy.
- If she’s not interested in the day-to-day activities most couples do together, like making dinner, curling up on the couch to watch TV together, or helping groom those hard-to-reach places, she doesn’t love you, dawg.
- If she’s not interested in cohabitating after making a commitment to spend your lives together, she has no intention of being with you for-real-for-real.
- If her job is flexible or nonessential and she uses work as an excuse to not be with you for long stretches of time, she’s probably not that into you.
- If she won’t have sex with you until after you’ve given her money or gifts (and even then it’s iffy), she’s not attracted to you and is just here for the perks.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Elisabeth Ovesen's work on Medium.