Sex is a love language. Carnal conversation. How you operate in the bedroom can say a lot about who you are in other respects. So… how’s your native tongue?
You may not realize the coital cues you’re giving and how they might be interpreted. But, I assure you, women’s antennae are perked. How you put it down can determine whether she’ll pick up and move on to someone new. It can be the difference between connecting like Bluetooth or having your number deleted by week’s end.
Ever feel confused after walking away from a sexual encounter thinking you just planted your flag, only to see her pledge allegiance to someone else’s? Well, the problem is that flag you planted was likely the same color as the Kool-Aid Man. With the meme having taken over social media way back when, below I’ve listed six red flags that are apparent in the bedroom. The translation: Step your game up if you see yourself.
You don’t ask if she’s being satisfied
Fellas, if you’re not checking in with your lover during sex — especially if she’s showing signs of discomfort or displeasure — you’re either not paying attention or don’t care. Both are flags on the play, liable to get you dumped or denied in the future. One of the ickiest feelings in a relationship, even a casual one, is to roll over after sex feeling like a “fifi bag,” which is prison terminology for something a man uses to pleasure himself hands-free, known on the outside as a stroker. (Don’t worry about how I know this. This is about you, not me!)
For the selfish lovers out there, pay attention! Actually give a damn whether she orgasms. Ask your partner if she’s comfortable, if it feels good, or if she’d like you to stop. And then proceed accordingly, lest you run the risk of completely turning her off .
You rush through sex
Got a plane to catch? If not, slow your jackrabbit ass down. It’s easy to tell when sex is just a means to an end — when either participant (especially the man) is speeding through the process, more concerned with finishing than anything else.
Outside of a mutually agreed upon quickie in your apartment building’s stairwell while dodging the neighbors (again, don’t ask), women hate it when men rush through sex. It reeks of selfishness. News flash, buddy: Women are not drive-throughs. Making like Speedy Gonzales is a huge red flag likely to make a woman take off just as quickly.
You can only have sex while watching porn
Listen, I enjoy porn. It can be useful during sex and, of course, while showing yourself some love. It’s fun being turned on by the same things at the same time, so it’s best when you find porn that you’re both into. Or, you could make your own. Aside from the sexiness of being the stars of your own show, homemade porn can help to strengthen your sex game when played back and analyzed like LeBron watching game tape.
So, yeah, porn is great. What’s not great is when a man has to watch porn while having sex with his partner. Some men imagine they’re in a scene while others pretend they’re having sex with their favorite porn stars. This is fine — in moderation. I’m here for a good fantasy. What I’m not here for, however, is men who have to zone out during sex rather than being present. No woman wants to feel like a stunt double. Or as if she’s not sexy enough on her own merit to get her partner aroused. And a man’s reliance on external stimuli is giving emotional unavailability.
You want her to do all the work
Fair exchange is no robbery, especially when it comes to sex. Both you and your partner should put forth a substantial amount of effort in pleasing each other. If your sexual spirit animal is a starfish, let me just say, on behalf of all women, get your shit and get out.
Nobody wants to be with someone who just sits back and makes their partner do all of the work in every single hook up. (Pro tip: This goes for relationship dynamics as well.) Women deserve partners who pull their own weight, whether in the bedroom or elsewhere. Don’t be a lazy fuck.
You don’t spend time afterward
Again, where’s the fire? Guys, do yourselves a favor and stay put for a while. Women don’t want to feel as if sex is just a pit stop between more important engagements. So, whether you’ve been married for 20 years or dating for 20 days, take your time getting out of bed. Try holding her for a bit, kissing her gently, and telling her how much you love her (depending on the nature of your relationship). Watch TV, listen to music, talk, or have some laughs. Get your ass up and get her a glass of water if she’s thirsty. You know, gentleman shit. Because if your M.O. is taking off like a track star, a woman will likely assume you’re not that into her. Or that you’ve got some intimacy issues to work through.
You don’t reciprocate
If you’re not too keen on engaging in oral sex, that’s fine. I’m not here to shame you into becoming a cunning linguist. But for the love of Eros, do not expect to get head from your partner if you’re unwilling to return the favor. Now, if she chooses to bring Akinyele’s biggest song to life knowing she’ll never receive the same in return, that’s her business, and also, congratulations. But if she abstains from performing oral sex in protest, you don’t have the right to bitch about it. And if you do, your selfishness is showing.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Elisabeth Ovesen's work on Medium.