As a woman, we are often criticized for our relationship choices. And although we should all be held accountable for the players we choose in the dating game, it's equally important to note that some people never play fair.
For as long as I can remember, there was always this narrative that women tend to choose "bad boys" only to regret it later and inevitably turn to "good guys" for support. To that, I have a few things to say.
First, are men any different? I mean, I've always been more of a reckless rebel in my dating life and never really experienced a shortage of suitors. However, I know plenty of women who have virtually sworn off having fun to attract the perfect mate, only to end up with none.
Also, people like what they like. We all go through phases, and while we may prefer a particular type of man in our younger years, we are likely to change that type as we date around and figure out what we truly want and don't want.
But lastly, and this is the point that brought me here, to begin with: what exactly is a nice guy?
Depending on one's culture and upbringing, a "good guy" can mean anything from a man who works for a Fortune 500 company to a single man with no children or felonies.
In my book, a "nice guy" is any man who treats me and others well; A man with ambition, goals, drive, prospects, a career, and values and protects me.
Also, a good man will support and encourage me in my career and want to see me do well in life, whether we stay together or not.
He will not be too macho or misogynistic, and at the end of the day, he will enter a relationship with only the best intentions for both himself and me.
To be clear, my complete list is far more specific, but I won't bore you with all those details in the post.
Nevertheless, to the rest of the world, a nice guy is someone who has a big smile on their face. A man who seems to love or care about you; may or may not have a job; may or may not have good intentions; may or may not look good on paper; may or may not bring anything to the table.
But definitely makes lots of mistakes (while your ability to make similar missteps is viewed as blasphemy). And at the end of the day, you still want to "make it work," no matter how miserable they have made you.
Yeah, no.
In my experience, the "nice guys" — the men who go around bragging about what great men they are — are usually the worst on the market. You probably know a few; they always cry about how great of a catch they are, but somehow, they're always single.
I'm going to level with you. Men and women really do have lots of innate differences. And yes, there are exceptions to everything, but I'm not talking about those people.
I'm talking about those who are born, live their lives, and fall into their assigned gender roles without giving it a second thought.
Along with genetics, there are specific ways in which women are trained to think and behave, the same way there are particular ways men are trained to think and act.
And to me, many of these "nice guys" are the men who always wanted to be the "bad boys" but couldn't cut it. They're awkward, lack confidence, and often struggle even to assert themselves in most situations.
So, they take on "being nice" as a personality trait rather than working on themselves to become the men they want to be.
Over the years, this breeds hatred and contempt as they are repeatedly cast to the side for more assertive men who are accountable for themselves and more in control of their realities in general.
So, while you are introduced to this super "nice" man who is sooo sweet and wouldn't hurt a fly, there is often a total demon lurking just below the surface.
And unfortunately, this demon doesn't come out until they get comfortable. How do I know this? Simple! I, too, fell for the "give a good guy" chance rhetoric and the few I did date turned out to be the biggest jerks I've ever met.
These men are the professionals who "look good on paper," and supposedly, any woman would be lucky to have. Yet, they were also verbally abusive, narcissistic, nit-picky, mentally weak, untrustworthy, miserable people I've ever seen.
If you ask me, pretending to be "the nice guy" day in and day out is exhausting. So, by the time they get home to their partners, they no longer have the energy to pretend. Therefore, they bring their wives and girlfriends the worst versions of themselves.
And since they are such great pretenders, they expect you to be as well. In public, they will pretend to be the world's best partners and expect you to act like they are who they portray themselves as.
In other words, since they're not being true to themselves, they can never be true to you. These men heavily depend on the women in their lives to help build and maintain their images, which only further emasculates them. So, as much as they need you to help them, they also hate you for it.
This makes for an impossible relationship because no matter how hard you try to get him to be the excellent guy he pretended to be initially, it's just not in him. And honestly, since he doesn't feel like anyone accepts him for who he truly is, he has minimal sympathy or empathy for everyone else.
Overall, "nice guys" can actually be quite dangerous and are more likely to get away with their misdeeds because they work overtime to create the perfect public persona.
So, much like celebrities, those criticisms are typically called to question when someone has a complaint about them.
People will assume you must've done something wrong or exaggerated because "I've never seen him get mad or even be mean to anyone. He's just such a nice guy!"
Now, I hate to give the "not all men" disclaimer because that should be self-explanatory. No demographic is a monolith, as we all know. But for this discussion's sake, I will say it.
Not all nice guys are horrible men. It's true. Some men will be genuinely nice to you and never purposely abuse or mistreat you.
However, in my experience, these are often the men who appear to be rough around the edges. They may not come to you showing all their teeth or worshipping the ground you walk on. But when you need them, they will be there.
At any rate, it's up to each woman to decide which category the men in your life fit into. Remember, taking time to truly get to know a man — seeing how he reacts when he's stressed or depressed, how he handles adversity, etc., is the best way to avoid hooking up with one of these insufferable "nice guys."
After all, slow and steady wins the race, and most of these nice guys, truly do finish last.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission.
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